Ninja-Repellant Cream
by That One Name That You Forgot
Summary: Joe was a conman just wanted to sell some cream. That's all. But when he came knocking on the Akatsuki's door, he had no idea what he was in for...


Joe was having a bad day.

He was a traveling conma- salesman- who sold shitty things to stupid people. His biggest seller was a cream that was supposed to repel ninjas. Though that was more of a side job. Joe's real profession was stealing things. He may not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but he knew how to sneak in somewhere and filch enough to live on.

He had been wandering through the forest one day, looking for a place to stay, when he happened upon an entrance of some sort. Joe then had the bright idea of going inside said entrance. Inside, was some sort of dark hallway. 'Am I in some sort of underground mine?' He thought as he continued walking.

As he walked, he found some valuable looking weapons on the ground and scooped them up into his bag happily. 'Coming down here was a great idea!' He figured that he would keep going for a while longer, just in case there were more goodies elsewhere.

As he walked farther in, he began to hear some voices coming from a room. He took out a jar of his bright orange ninja-repellant and put on his best smile. 'After all, might as well make some more money off them!' Was Joe's thought process. This was a bad idea.

A door came into view on the left side of the hallway, obviously the source of the voices. It sounded like someone was arguing. Joe stepped up in front of it, took a deep breath to prepare for his spiel, and opened the door. And that, is when things started to go downhill.

Inside there were several people (although Joe wasn't sure about some of them), lounging on a few couches spread about the room. Some of them were yelling heatedly, while others just looked amused. When he opened the door, all heads immediately snapped to him and the room grew deathly quiet. Joe swallowed nervously and tugged at his collar as he realized many of them had sharp and threatening objects in their hands.

"U-Uh, hi! M-My name's Joe, and um, I just want to know if you guys wanted to buy some ninja-repellant cream! Ehehe…" he stuttered out nervously, holding up the jar of orange cream.

A blue haired woman, in fact the only woman Joe noticed, snickered at him and began speaking, "Hello there Joe, would you happen to have any Uchiha-Repellant cream for sale?"

Immediately two of the men (one of them looking about 12), turned and glared at her, and she just smiled at them. Joe gulped again and began nervously digging through his bag, starting to sweat profusely. "I- Uh- Um, yes yes I do! Ri-Right here!" He managed to spit out with a shaky smile. He held up a jar of purple cream this time.

Now Joe obviously knew this was not U- whatever repellant cream, but he needed to get out of there as soon as possible. The blue haired woman who has asked for it burst into loud laughter and fell off the couch she had been sitting on, gasping for breath. Joe frowned, confused now. What did he do?

He simply stepped up to the guillotine.

That twelve-year-old looking kid that glared at him flashed over, holding a sword to Joe's neck. "Put that on yourself, "Joe". Let's see if it works."

Joe whimpered a little, totally freaked out. But he did as he was told, 'cause you know, maybe there would be a chance it would work!... Or something…. So he rubbed some of it on himself, particularly on his neck, and prayed to every force in this universe that it would work.

"Sasuke, come on. What are you doing." This time, an orange-haired circus freak spoke up to this kid.

"Your mom." Was the kid's reply as he snickered.

The circus freak shook his head and got up and left the room.

"Well, Joe? I'm still here, I don't think your little thing works." The blade pressed closer into Joe's neck, but not quite drawing blood.

Joe gulped. Looks like this salesman got a bad deal!

When Joe had no answer for him, Sasuke dashed forward, slicing Joe's head clean off his neck. "Never trash the Uchiha name." He smirked.

"I'm not paying to clean that up." said a voice from the hallway.

And everyone groaned.

*Hours Later*

Joe woke up with groan and a horrible crick in his neck. 'Jesus Christ where did I sleep…'

He sat up and stretched, hearing several pops in his back, before suddenly freezing. 'Wait… BUT I DIED!'

His eyes flew open and his hands went straight to his neck. Nothing. Not even a scar. His eyes adjusted to the dim light and he saw that he was laying in the same spot he had been promptly beheaded in. He picked up the purple jar next to him and stared at it in disbelief. It had actually worked. Joe stood up as quick as he could and turned to leave this place and never look back, when he stopped. Maybe… He should get revenge! Joe loved this idea and immediately set off down the hallway in search of the 12 year old from earlier.

*TimeSkip*

Finally, he has found the boy's bedroom. He had been through a few different ones (including the blue haired woman, whom he left the purple cream with), and now he was finally here! Joe began digging through his drawers very quietly, looking for something revenge worthy. In there, he came across two things. A large tube of superglue, and a bottle of lube. A large, rarely seen, smirk formed on his face as a brilliant plan began to form in his head…. As soon as he finished his plan, he got the hell out of there, and never looked back.


End file.
